For the past three weeks, I’ve felt scattered in my plans and actions, and have been anxious. There are two main reasons: questioning some of my goals and being affected by the Supreme Court and other groups thinking they can regulate queer people out of existence. (Note: once again, procrastination strikes and I actually first wrote this a week ago, Monday, July 10. The Supreme Court antics seem old news by now).
My over-arching objective right now is to express my creativity and maintain a healthy relationship with myself and the world, while being generous in mind and spirit.
Generosity
Being generous is not altruistic and is not necessarily about money. I believe an open heart helps me. It reminds me I am worthy of love, generosity, and compassion.
It is not about remembering my good deeds and patting myself on the back. Instead, it helps create an underlying sense of self and the world that is positive. Which is good, because I tend to be pessimistic about the world and stingy with myself.
Creativity
I express my creativity in many ways, especially drawing on paper or digitally; creating cute macrame items for the apartment; and blogging, among others. Or even cooking, because I could probably eat the same three things for weeks at a time, but my wife gets tired of it. Not that I do all the cooking!
As for questioning my goals, currently, I’m considering how much effort to put into my Zazzle shops (shameless plug). Most sales have been for just four different items, including a pride flag button that says “ally.” I enjoy it when people buy something, but most designs are more footwork than creative. For more attention, I would need to do more research and consistent social media postings.
I don’t have to make money, but after retiring last year and being more settled in a new country, it feels good to have some external structure. That, however, comes from an uneasiness that “simply” creating art for myself is not good enough. I want to improve my drawing skills since they have been atrophied for decades. But aside from one short drawing book, I am avoiding other instructions (another great book I have, online or in-person classes).
Backwards
I did not realize this post was going to go in this direction. It has been sitting for more than a week and yesterday I cleaned it up a little. I thought it was almost done, at “I would need to do more research and consistent social media postings”.
Today I put more meat into it and here it is: in not dealing with the obsession I got depressed during part of those three weeks mentioned above. When that happens, my sense of unworthiness pops back up. I know the thoughts are ridiculous, and sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn’t.
I haven’t been journaling or meditating much lately either. It all seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Cut back on self-care and the anxiety, obsession, or depression pop back up in various configurations.
Today, I am happy knowing that there are things I can do to take care of myself.
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