Remembering and Forgetting

I have this thing where it is hard for me to remember good times – with friends, relationships, work. My squirrel brain grabs onto all the bad, sad, anxious stuff now and in the past.

This is a self-protective mechanism gone wrong: if I remember the sad stuff I can try not to repeat it. But simply remembering isn’t the way to do that. Appreciating what I have, not just of things but especially in relationship and community, is important for me.

Understanding my agency, that is, what I can do, what I can influence, what I do with my default reactions is important. (Thank you, therapy).

I’m thankfully getting better at dealing with those default sad and anxious thoughts and redirecting them. Current neuroscience says that will become easier – that our brain can forge new pathways.

As I declutter, I run into these reminders of the past. Cards and letters, sure, but especially my old journals. I write to try to make sense of my internal world and the external world.

I used to revisit my journals before I shredded them, flipping through and reading what caught my eye. But about 6 months ago I flipped through a very old journal before shredding it. I realized it is not helpful at all. What few gems of insight are in there are somewhere in my brain already. And the rest is so raw. I don’t need to think about that again.

I’ve had a very crooked path with work and relationships. I used to see that as mistakes, as things I bungled, as failure. But really – I overcame setbacks, I survived and built on them.

And really getting that in my bones, that is joy. Journey through Simplicity and Self Care to Joy, as the tagline to my blog says. Yep, right there.

So I am here now, in the cold January day, but with the warmth and love of my wife nearby.